GAME OVER

The game has been over since a month and three weeks ago.

Emerald Green

You look good in emerald green.

Another dream.

Another fantasy.

It was not a flashback again. It was something new.

Emerald green button down.

Black slacks.

Worn out messenger bag hanging across your body.

And that lovely smile on your face.

I Tried

I tried visiting your Instagram.

Figured out I still can't. 

I can't. I won't. 

After You

I stopped looking, after you.

I stopped searching, after you.

I stopped loving, I stopped smiling, I stopped hoping, after you.

Life has been duller. 

Life has been more dragging.

I lost a lot. I lost most. 

You were different.

I became different. 

After you. 

After you left, Japs. 

Beach

Dreamt of you the other day.

And for the very first time, it wasn't a flashback of some sort.

My dreams about you used to be just flashbacks of our memories.

But this time, it was something new.

I dreamt that we were at a beach resort.

I couldn't believe it at first that we were together.

But you assured me that it was real.

And that you're here to stay.

I thought it was real.

I kissed you. You kissed back.

We hugged. It felt real. 

Painful, yet calming at the same time.

Till I woke up.

Reality smacked me in the face.

You weren't anywhere near me.

I was alone in my bed.

You were still in my heart.

I miss you, love. I miss you, Japs.

Be Happy, My Love

Happy Valentine's Day, Japs, my love.
Wherever you are, whoever you are with, I hope you're having a blast.
How could I not wish good for an awesome person like you?
I don't care if it pains me to, but I really do wish you're feeling loved tonight.

God knows how much I wanted to be with you tonight.
But I just have to accept the fact that I am not the one for you.
How do we know who's the one for us or who's not?
Because goddamn I badly wanted it to be you.

Taking screenshots of our Viber convos right now.
And god it hurts. Reading how we were before.
Seeing how you slowly drifted away.
I can't take it. I literally cannot. Oh god it's painful.

Oh how I really wanted it to be you.
I still do.

Every Night

Every night I still wonder why. Every night I still wonder why did it have to happen to me. Every night I just question everything that has ever happened between me and him. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan, to be honest, ang purpose kung bakit nakilala ko pa siya. I know somehow na it's my choice whether to be stuck in this super mababaw na situation or not. Sino bang may gustong hindi maka-move on? Wala naman ata diba. Lalo na with this kind of... erm... it's not even qualified to be called a "relationship".

Hindi ko alam kung sadyang nang-iinis ang utak ko, pero every night, everything, every memory, every moment with him, flashes back in my head.

And to be honest, I want everything back. I want every moment back. Until now, I still wish and pray for him to come back. Oh god, I need a miracle, but I really want him back. Aaaand, this is just me being really fucking honest right now. No pretentions whatsoever. 

Behind every strong girl are sleepless nights spent crying their hearts out. We have our weaknesses too... Mine happens to be Japs.

Lost in 2015

I'm Janine, and I'm lost.

I am at this point in my life wherein hindi ko alam saan ako papunta, except of course career-wise, I know exactly where I am headed in that aspect. Pero with matters aside from my job, I am really lost. It's hard for a person to admit that he or she is lost, because most of the time, being lost is associated with being "pariwara" and walang pangarap sa buhay. Wala nga ba akong pangarap sa buhay? Well, I definitely want to be head of my department right now, and if papalarin, I wanna pursue being a lawyer, but other than that.. yes, maybe wala nga akong pangarap. Pangarap ko noon ang magka-roon ng pamilya: Matinong asawa, at malusog na baby boy. Pangarap ko rin noon na pumayat, yung sakto lang sa height ko. But it all disappeared last year, 2015. To be fair, I was almost there. I almost had it. Pero hindi naman natin hawak, kahit kailan, kung anong kapalaran natin eh. All we can do lang is to accept things we can't change and go with the flow. Napaka-daling sabihin, noh? But if you will look at me now, it's so evident that i'm fucked up (except for my career, just to be clear).

I was almost there. I almost had it.

By the way, my four-year relationship came to and end last year, but that's not what bothers me the most. I've had several other relationships after that. Pero iisa lang sa kanila ang talagang malakas ang impact sa akin. Met him at the start of September 2015, and we only dated for roughly two months. At first, in denial ako na this person would affect me greatly, hello, dalawang buwan lang kami nagka-kilala. But, the universe heard me and decided to prove me wrong. Here I am trying almost everything just to get him off my mind. Right now, I am trying anger. But how can you be angry with someone whom you're blinded to because your stupid organ decided to accept him for whatever and whoever he is. I am not being realistic, I know, at the same time I don't know why.

Sabi ko nga sa friends and officemates ko: "Kayang kaya ko lahat, 'eto lang ang hindi."

For the the first time in my life, nakahanap ako ng katapat ko. I guess, it WAS him.