I Tried

I tried visiting your Instagram.

Figured out I still can't. 

I can't. I won't. 

After You

I stopped looking, after you.

I stopped searching, after you.

I stopped loving, I stopped smiling, I stopped hoping, after you.

Life has been duller. 

Life has been more dragging.

I lost a lot. I lost most. 

You were different.

I became different. 

After you. 

After you left, Japs. 

Beach

Dreamt of you the other day.

And for the very first time, it wasn't a flashback of some sort.

My dreams about you used to be just flashbacks of our memories.

But this time, it was something new.

I dreamt that we were at a beach resort.

I couldn't believe it at first that we were together.

But you assured me that it was real.

And that you're here to stay.

I thought it was real.

I kissed you. You kissed back.

We hugged. It felt real. 

Painful, yet calming at the same time.

Till I woke up.

Reality smacked me in the face.

You weren't anywhere near me.

I was alone in my bed.

You were still in my heart.

I miss you, love. I miss you, Japs.

Be Happy, My Love

Happy Valentine's Day, Japs, my love.
Wherever you are, whoever you are with, I hope you're having a blast.
How could I not wish good for an awesome person like you?
I don't care if it pains me to, but I really do wish you're feeling loved tonight.

God knows how much I wanted to be with you tonight.
But I just have to accept the fact that I am not the one for you.
How do we know who's the one for us or who's not?
Because goddamn I badly wanted it to be you.

Taking screenshots of our Viber convos right now.
And god it hurts. Reading how we were before.
Seeing how you slowly drifted away.
I can't take it. I literally cannot. Oh god it's painful.

Oh how I really wanted it to be you.
I still do.

Every Night

Every night I still wonder why. Every night I still wonder why did it have to happen to me. Every night I just question everything that has ever happened between me and him. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan, to be honest, ang purpose kung bakit nakilala ko pa siya. I know somehow na it's my choice whether to be stuck in this super mababaw na situation or not. Sino bang may gustong hindi maka-move on? Wala naman ata diba. Lalo na with this kind of... erm... it's not even qualified to be called a "relationship".

Hindi ko alam kung sadyang nang-iinis ang utak ko, pero every night, everything, every memory, every moment with him, flashes back in my head.

And to be honest, I want everything back. I want every moment back. Until now, I still wish and pray for him to come back. Oh god, I need a miracle, but I really want him back. Aaaand, this is just me being really fucking honest right now. No pretentions whatsoever. 

Behind every strong girl are sleepless nights spent crying their hearts out. We have our weaknesses too... Mine happens to be Japs.